But I don't care
by Sugarplum Fairy86
Summary: HPB SPOILER! Set under in the begining of book 6. Tonks looking for the right opportunity to tell Remus about her feelings, but gets suprise when he stumble into her house in the middle of the night.
1. Night visitor

**But I don't care.**

It was in the middle of the night, and only one single light was shining in the big house on top of the hill. The person wandering through her bedroom door was no other than Nymphoria Tonks. Her hair in a greyish rat brown colour, so unlike what she used to have. Her face was pale and she had an ugly looking scar across her cheek, with drying blood that had run down to her mouth. It didn't looked as it had been clean at all. And on top of all this, it looked as if she hadn't eaten enough lately, her body so skinny that the shirt she wore looked one to two sizes too big.

" I have to tell him.. "

She said out aloud to herself, just as she sat down on one of the kitchen chairs. Tonks looked up, to see only just darkness in the empty kitchen that used to be full of life. But now, when her parents where away on a business trip for her dads work, she found herself alone and depressed in a too big house. With one hand ruffling around in her hair she raised from the chair and began to walk out of the kitchen, in to the living room. In there the moonlight from outside came in through the big windows and drained the whole room in blue mysterious light.

Immediately her eyes fell on the big family photographs. One of the few things in this house that where magical. They normally took them down before they got muggle guests coming over. From the photo her dad was waving at her cheerfully, with the other arm around his wife, her mom. Between them stood a little girl, in the age of nearly 6 years old, jumping up and down, looking hyper. The little girls hair wore the colour of bright bubblegum pink and now and then her nose turned into a cat nose.

Tonks smiled to herself. She had been so happy then, so little and full of life. And now, yeah now, she was just a shell, left behind from what she one time had been.

She took the photograph down from the wall and pulled out her wand, and whispered from light pink lips.

" Lumos..! "

The tip of her wand lighted and she now saw the faces more clearly of her waving family. Ted Tonks smiled down on the 6 year old herself and her mum blow her a kiss with one of her hands. The muggle boy and pure blood witch finally had each other, and she was their, as they said so often, lovechild.

Suddenly she saw thick and big drops of water come down on the glass of the photo, and for a while she wondered if they had a leek in the roof, when she realise that it was tears coming down from her eyes.

She never cried, or not for things like this anyway, selfish things like unrequited love. She was so pathetic. So dumb. So idiotic. Such a child..

**BANG!**

A loud sound was coming from the front door. **BANG! **And than another.

Tonks had immediately run out through the living room, through the kitchen, and in to the hall, when she stopped staring at the door. What if it was a death eater? A death eater coming for her mom, because she was a blood traitor. Or maybe for her, or her father. Or for all of them. She froze, still with her wand in her hand and still with the lumos spell on it. She just then realise that they could see the light through the foggy glass on the door, she then cried out aloud without thinking of it, in panic.

" NOX! "

It got all dark again, dark and scary and quiet. _Oh Merlin, Remus. I never got to tell you how much you mean to me. How deeply in love I am with you. And now it's all over, because of that I haven't been brave enough. I have been a child. A stupid child, just as you see me as. Damn Remus, why do I have to love you so much? _

" Tonks! Is that you? Please let me in.. "

" W-who.. "

" It's me, Remus. "

Was this a dream? It sure looked like a dream anyway. But at the same time as she had heard his voice, she came out of the dream stage she had been in, and came up to the door and unlooked it. Before opening, however, she took a deep breath and then pulled the door open.

What she saw then, she hadn't been prepared for. Remus was standing there in the dark, leaning against the doorframe, and looking so unless like him as he possible could. A face much more paler than hers, almost completely white, and his teeth was pressing hard together, as thought he was in pain. Sweat was dripping down his face and he held his both hands tightly to his stomach. And, to one of Tonks greatest fears, blood was covering them, dripping more and more out from the place he hold his stomach.

" Remus! Oh god, Merlins beard! What had happened? "

" They.. Didn't trust me..as much as I thought.. "

" What! Are you telling me that.. That you followed Dumbledors orders anyway! They could have killed you.. "

She put an arm around his neck to support him, when they came in to the kitchen Tonks helped Remus down into on of the chairs, instantly he relaxed a bit, but his hands where still clutching the cloths against his belly. With a worried expression across her pale face, she run to one of the kitchen cupboards and open it. She took out some compresses, which her dad kept there. The blood flood had to be stopped, before she could began to heel it with her wand.

" How did it happen? "

She got down to her knees in front of him, and placed a hand over his blood one, and gently tried to get it away. Remus signed, but obeyed and one of his hands fell to his side. Blood began to drop down on to the floor, when he finally answered her.

" It was Fenrir.. His the leader of.. Of them… "

" Fenrir Greyback! The one who bite you? "

" Yes.. "

Remus didn't like to talk about that, she knew that too well, but maybe he needed to talk about it, but he just didn't know that yet.. Tonks had ripped his last hand away and was now pulling up his shirt. The cut was not very big, but big enough to make Tonks feel sick to her stomach, not by disgust of the deep red blood dripping from it, no it was from worry and sorrow to the man she loved, now sitting hurt in front of her.

She took one of the compresses and pressed it hard against the cut. Remus jumped in his chair and took a deep breath. She smiled comforting up to him and pulled out her wand, quickly she heeled it with a simple spell.

In the next moment she looked up again, and show him sitting there, with his head against one of his shoulders and both eyes closed tightly. Like a sword that came right into her stomach, came a feeling of deeply worry over her by the sight of him like that. Maybe he was dead.. Or unconscious from the blood lost.

Merlin, no, not now. She needed him. Tonks pulled herself up a little and stretched out a hand up to his face. But when her fingers was one mm from his left cheek, he opened his mouth and one single word came out in a hoarse voice.

" Water.. "

" Oh.. Remus. You scared me. "

" Water, Dora, can you get me some water, please? "

" Yes, of course. "

She said in a rushed voice and came up to her feet fast, and walked over to the sink, to get him some water. When she came back with a glass tightly held in her hand, she put it against his lips and helped him to drink. A little smile appeared across her lips when she saw the water drop down his chin and onto his chest.

Remus signal that it was enough and she took away the glass, and stroke the water away of his chin. Instantly his cheeked turned a little hint of pink. Never in her whole lifetime, had she thought she would see this, see Remus blush.

" Thank you, Nymphadora. I should really keep on going now, Dumbledore awaits me with an report on what happened tonight. "

" Remus, you can't leave now, you're hurt and.. and still weak. You lost a lot of blood, you know! "

" That's not an important excuse. Dumbledore needs me to tell him.. "

" Dumbledore needs you! What about.. about.. Me then? I need you too..! "

" Tonks.. Don't. Just don't.. "

" Don't what! Don't love me! Because I do Remus, I really do.. "

Remus looked down on his feet and sighed while shaking his head. Tonks looked at him as she couldn't believe her own eyes, he had know.. He had know how she had felt before she even had told him. Damn him, she thought and wanted just to curse him right now and here.

" You knew! You knew all the time and.. And just let me go on and on.. I have lain awake for nights in a row and thought and thought about how I was going to tell you.. And then you have known! "

" Dora.. Tonks! Listen.. "

" You must think that I am the wizarding worlds biggest idiot.. Merlin Remus, you must hate me.. "

" No! I don't hate you.. "

" Oh.. Remus don't lie… "

He just shake his head again and raised from the chair, and began to walked to the front door. Tonks was quickly there behind him with a stopping hand on his shoulder, to pull him a little back.

" I want you.. Can't you give me a chance? "

" Tonks, you don't understand, I'm too old for you, too poor and too dangerous.. "

" What! You are not too old.. I am 25 and I know what I want. I'm not a little girl, Remus, I'm a grown woman. "

" And I'm 38.. I'm just not right for you. You deserve someone much better, some younger and more attractive.. "

" Attractive! Remus, if you mean your scars you're being silly.. There're a part of you, and I like all of you.. "

" Stop! I have to go now. Dumbledore waits.. "

Furiously Tonks took a grip of his arm and told him, refusing to let him go yet. The next words came out through her mouth in just second in a deep angry voice. She had had enough of this.

" If you go now, I'm not gonna talk to you again. "

" Good, because after this I think it's just bad for us two to be in the same room again. Let go of me Dora, because I need to go now. "

" Please Remus.. Don't.. "

In the next moment, Tonks couldn't believe what she saw or heard, because all she could feel was Remus pulling her away from him and then he stepped closer to the door and raised his voice, he never did that. Not as long as she had know him anyway. It all came as a bit of a shock to her. Hearing him like this.

" For the last time! I am too old, too poor and way too dangerous for you! We can't see each other anymore, not just as friends.. "

And with that he unlooked the door and opens it, walking out just as Tonks cried after him.

" But don't care! Do you hear me! I do not care! "

She saw him walk away and than with a "pop" he was gone, leaving her with a bump in her throat and tears in her eyes. Even if he had said that they couldn't see each other again, she felt that this was not the last time she would hear those words.. She was almost sure of it..

_Damn you, Remus Lupin, _she thought staring at the dark night in front of her. _Damn you, why do I have to love you? _


	2. The Dinner

It was pretty late in the afternoon, and the big table in the Burrow was set for dinner. At the head of the table sat Remus looking very tired, with his eyes looking right into the burning candles on the table. Molly threw him a wondering and suspicious look when she put a basket of bread down in front of him.

"Is everything all right, Remus? You look a bit dreamy tonight."

With a surprised look on his face, he took his eyes away from the burning candles and looked up at Molly, with a weak smile, and just nodded to her.

"Hmm, ok. But if something is bothering you, you can tell me you know.

I have always been a good listener. Just ask Arthur."

"I believe you, Molly. But I have nothing to tell you. I just got too little sleep last night; that's all."

"Oh, yeah. You do look a little pale. Dumbledore is putting too much responsibility on you, if you ask me. I think you should go straight to bed after dinner."

Remus sighed and nodded again. He didn't want to start an argument with Molly now; he was way too tried for it. But maybe he should do as she said, go to bed after the dinner. But it was one problem with that, he knew that he was going to dream about her again. Yes, again, every night since that time he had come over to her house hurt and weak, he had thought about her constantly, night and day. But the nights were worse; all his dreams were of her. That smile of hers, the hair and her voice ringing in his head, begging him for a chance.

"Remus! Merlin's beard! What is the matter with you!"

"Nothing, I'm just tired, as I said."

"Well you nearly fell asleep on the table just right now. Drink this while I get the boys in from the garden, it's a potion for colds. I think you are about to get one."

Molly put a mug that was smoking on the table and walked out of the kitchen. He sat still looking at the grey smoke coming from the mug and then sat up a little so he could see the contents of the mug. A grimace of disgust spread across his face as he saw the green substance in there. _Okay Remus_, he thought. _If you can fight other werewolves, you can drink this. _In a half minute he drank it all up in three big gulps. Afterwards he felt really sick, but he forced it all down again and helped himself to a glass of water. Just as he stood by the sink, drinking all this water to get the nasty taste away, he heard a knocking on the door. He stared at it for a moment, wondering if he should open. Maybe it was Moody or Arthur, than it was just silly to stand here, but he should tell Molly first before opening, it was her house after all.

"Molly! It's someone at the door!"

"Well, open then! But don't forget to ask them for the password first."

Remus put the glass down in the kitchen sink and began to walk over to the door. He was just about to ask the person on the other side of the door for the password, when a voice came before he could speak. A voice that got his heart to beat fast.

"Is there someone there! Molly? Ginny? Hello! I'm sorry that I'm late but there was problem at work. Hello? "

_Oh no_, Remus thought. _I can't see her now. Molly hadn't said anything about inviting Tonks for dinner, too. Oh, Merlin, I have to get out of this house._ He backed away from the door and walked to the chair where his bag was, picked it up and began to pack all his paper on the table about Fenrir Greyback and the other werewolves in his "gang". It was all reports to Dumbledore. _Yes_, he thought again almost relieved. _I have an excuse to leave. All I have to say is that I must deliver these papers to Dumbledore. That I had forgotten about it all until now._ He had gotten his bag up on his shoulder and he turned around to begin walking to the garden to tell Molly when he saw her coming rushing into kitchen.

"Remus! Why haven't you opened the door yet! Oh, Tonks! My dear, how long have you waited out there?"

It was all too late. Molly had opened the door before Remus had gotten a word out and she was now welcoming a gloomy looking Tonks into the kitchen. All Remus could do was stand still and look down to his feet. The next thing he heard was Tonks' calming voice to Molly.

"It's okay Molly, not so long at all. I was late; it was my own fault."

"It was not! Remus was in the kitchen. Why didn't you open it?"

"I thought it was someone… else… And I couldn't remember… the right… ehmm… password."

He looked up when he thought how childish it must have been to stand with his eyes down at his feet. When he looked up and met Tonks eyes, he regretted it and looked away quickly. When her voice came again, he thought he could hear the hurt in it, or maybe it was just his imagination.

"It's alright Remus, I understand completely."

"Well, you could have said something at least. What if Tonks had left?

That would have been terrible."

"But I didn't, I'm here now. Honestly, it's okay Molly."

"Good then. Well, why don't you and Remus take a place around the

table while I go and get those boys again. Sometimes I think they are deaf…"

"But… I can't…" Remus began to say, but he stopped himself before finishing, because Molly didn't seem to hear. In the next moment she was out of the kitchen and the only thing they could see was her round backside walking away. He took a deep breath before looking over at Tonks, who stood with her arms crossed and a sulky look on her face.

"You can't stay, can you?"

He didn't reply, but he looked in to her eyes as he shook his head.

"I knew it… It's because of me and what we talked about before."

"No, it's not. I have to… ehmm… give some papers to Dumbledore. "

"Papers to Dumbledore? It's always something like that… Why can't you just admit it? "

"Because that would be a lie, Tonks. It's not because of that…"

Remus looked a little angry as he began to walk to the door. He had had enough of this, he had thought that he would have had a good meal with the Weasleys but not if Tonks where there. He opened the door and walked out and was about to close it when Molly, Ron, Fred, George, Bill, and Fleur came into the kitchen ready for dinner.

"Remus! Are you leaving?"

"Yes I am, Molly. I'm so sorry; I forgot to tell you that I have to get some papers to Dumbledore."

"But, I'm sure Dumbledore can wait an hour or two. Those papers can't be that important."

"They are… I'm so sorry. Have a great evening all of you. And say hello to Harry and Hermione from me when they arrive."

In the next moment he was gone and the door was closed behind him. They all sat down as Molly said in an annoyed voice, "Dumbledore might be one of the strongest wizards, but even he should understand that Remus needs more sleep and better food."

None of them thought about Remus and why he really had to leave so quickly, expect for Tonks, who didn't eat much at all and felt a bit sick the rest of the evening…

-------------------------------------------

Just as Remus had sat some hours ago, Tonks sat now, at the head of the Weasley's table staring into the burning candles. Molly smiled at her as she did the dishes, waving her wand here and there as the plates floated in the midair washing themselves with some soap.

"Remus sat just like that before… looking as though something was on his mind… something that he wanted to keep as a secret."

"Oh… Did he?" Tonks said looking up, but she didn't retuned Mrs. Weasley's smile. She felt like crying, but she couldn't do that here. And she didn't want to go home either, to an empty house. That would really make her cry and feel down. More than she was feeling right now. She woke up from her dreams and thoughts when she heard the chair beside her creak a little, and when she turned her face she met Molly's kind smile and wondering eyes.

"What's the matter dear?"

"Nothing really. I'm just so silly…"

"You're not, or I don't really know that before you tell me, I guess."

A smile appeared on Tonks lips, and she felt Molly's hand on top of hers, holding it tightly. She could tell Molly, she knew that, and she really needed to tell someone. _Someone more than Remus, that dolt._ She thought angrily and looked up at Molly and sighed.

"Okay. It's someone… No, it's me having stupid feelings for someone that I shouldn't have feelings for at all. Not even friendly feelings, according to him. "

"Is this 'someone that I shouldn't have feelings for' maybe someone we all know?"

"Mmm… maybe."

She felt Molly's hand stroking her cheek and putting the blond hair she wore tonight behind her ear.

"And was it this someone who left very quickly this evening, with a silly excuse?"

"Yeah… How did you know?"

"My dear, I have known that for a while now… I'm not blind, you know."

They both sat very quietly after that; Tonks staring down at the table on their joined hands, and Molly still looking at her with the same smile on her face, as if she found all this very amusing. At last Tonks looked at her and said in a very low voice, thick with tears, "It's just that… I don't want to have these feelings for him, because he hates me…"

"Don't be silly, of course he doesn't hate you."

"Yes he does. He told me so… Or he said that we can't meet each other anymore. You saw what he did tonight; he couldn't even eat at the same table as me…"

"Do you know what I think? Or what I'm pretty sure I know… He's afraid."

"Afraid! Afraid of what? I don't care if he is a werewolf or not…"

Molly hugged Tonks tightly; holding her as tears was rolling down Tonks' cheeks. The next moment she could hear Molly's voice in her ear.

"But he does… He is afraid of hurting you. Not mentally, but physical…"

"But I can help him with that…"

"Maybe you can't. Maybe you can't until he himself can take the first step…"

"But when will that happen?"

"I don't know dear. I guess the only person who really knows that is

Remus himself…"

Sobbing sounds came from Molly's shoulder from Tonks, when the door to the kitchen suddenly burst open and in came Ron with a loud bang as he tried to stop the blood running from his nose.

"Mum… I thought it was real candy in that bowl on the living room table."

"Merlin's beard! Fred! George! Come down here now!"

Tonks smiled weakly at them all, as she tried to wipe her tears away.

_Oh, Remus. You have to take the first step before I can help you…_


End file.
